Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of location. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let's have One more location the place American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you Everybody a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Great tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a function becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

Trump Tower Damascus
A silent atrium where friends may well contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"

The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental buyers, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even consist of:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have transform-down support."

An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Last Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."